


you seem, secretly, to love everything

by monopolizers



Series: the sudden rain [2]
Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Discussion of Infidelity, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-10
Updated: 2016-02-10
Packaged: 2018-05-19 11:31:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 872
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5965759
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/monopolizers/pseuds/monopolizers
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Do you think she hates you?" he asks after a moment. </p><p>"Maybe. Probably." </p><p>"Isn't that--weird? To hate someone that you loved that much."</p>
            </blockquote>





	you seem, secretly, to love everything

**Author's Note:**

> title again from [Chen Chen's Poplar Street](http://www.poetryfoundation.org/poetrymagazine/poem/250452)

Harry watches the back of her go, slowly, and turns to Zayn.

"She okay?" he asks mildly. 

"Yeah. She's good. Just had a little chat." 

"It didn't look like a little chat. She looked pretty angry."

"Yeah." Zayn takes a steadying breath, smooths his hands on his pant legs.

"Was she?" Harry is too perceptive by half, sometimes. Or--not perceptive. Maybe sensitive is the word for it. Empathetic. He feels too bad for other people, reads it onto himself.

"Yeah. Maybe, I don't know. I think it was just, shock, like. I wasn't expecting to see her, she wasn't expecting to see me." 

Harry's quiet for a moment, chewing his lip. Then, "What'd she say?" 

"Why are you so on this, Haz?"

"I don't know. I feel bad for her. Humour me, all right? What'd she say?"

"Just the regular stuff, I guess." 

"Like what?"

"Christ." Zayn smacks his hand on the table. "Just stuff you say to an ex boyfriend who cheated on you and left you for a bloke, okay? Not nice stuff." 

Harry looks unprepared for this outburst. His eyes widen for a moment, then he settles down again, slowly. He nods. His gaze darts away from Zayn for a moment, to focus on the family sitting beside them. A mother, a father, two small children. Then he refocuses. 

"Do you think she hates you?" he asks after a moment. 

"Maybe. Probably." 

"Isn't that--weird? To hate someone that you loved that much." 

Zayn shakes his head, making a face. "It's easier. Right? The feeling's already there. It just has to shift a little." 

"I don't know. I don't think I could hate you even if you did--what you did to Pez--to me." Harry hates calling it cheating. So does Zayn, to be fair. "I know too much about you." Harry's green eyes regard him for a moment. Sometimes he's far too intense for a conversation at 10 in the morning.

"What's that mean?" 

"Just--I love you and I think you're a good person, right? And I know that even if you do bad things sometimes, you're still a good person at your heart. I couldn't stop loving you, after that." 

Zayn doesn't follow. "So...you don't understand why people hate their exes?" 

Harry shrugs. "I never have." 

That's true, now Zayn comes to think of it. Harry's not got exes, exactly, except maybe for Taylor and Caroline, but he's mostly kept good relationships with the people he's been with. "It's not like that for everyone else, though." 

"Doesn't it bother you?" 

He wishes Harry would drop it. "No." 

"You loved her. Didn't you? At least at the beginning. Do you still? NOt--like that, you know what I mean. Don't you still feel something for her?" 

"Yeah, of course. I was with her for ages." 

"Then doesn't it make you feel bad to know that she thinks badly of you?" 

"No, Harry." 

"Why not?" 

"Why do you keep pushing this?" Harry's silent. The set of his mouth is mulish, stubborn. Zayn scrubs a hand over his face. "okay. She's allowed to feel any way she wants about me, all right? I can't control that. I'm with you and I control the way I act with you and I try to be good to you in my relationship with you. She's allowed to feel how she wants."

"That's not what I meant." 

"Then what?" 

"Why don't you feel bad that she's convinced herself you're awful now? Don't say--let me explain. I mean...I know you can't control how she feels about you. But don't you feel bad that she thinks you're a terrible person? You were together for so long, Zayn. Even if you hadn't been together, if you'd just been friends--if Liam or someone had convinced himself that you were a terrible person because you did one bad thing once...that would hurt you? Wouldn't it? If I decided I couldn't be with you? Wouldn't it?" Harry's face is flushed. He's talking fast.

"Haz...yes. It would. It's not that it doesn't hurt me, exactly...but she's allowed to tell herself what she needs to tell herself to get over me. Like...I broke a promise I made to her. She needed to move on from that. And it'd just be hard to do that if she reminded herself of how good I was all the time." 

For a moment they stay quiet. The wind picks up and Harry's hair flies around in the breeze. He nods. Then he smiles. "You learn that all by yourself?" 

Zayn snorts, embarrassed. "No. Eleanor had to give me a good talking-to." And Doniya, and Sophia, and Liam, he adds silently. 

Harry nods. "That's what I thought." 

They regard each other for a moment. Harry reaches for his hand over the table. He opens his mouth like he's going to say something, but thinks better of it and just strokes his thumb over Zayn's open palm. Zayn's throat tightens, watching him. The green of his eyes, the rich lustre of his hair. The way his face softens unconsciously when he sees a baby across the street. He's very lucky, now. He managed to get it right.

**Author's Note:**

> reblog [here](http://hotgaydumbledore.tumblr.com/post/139027675302/you-seem-secretly-to-love-everything-900-words) // tumblr [here](http://hotgaydumbledore.tumblr.com/).
> 
> originally posted [here](http://hotgaydumbledore.tumblr.com/post/126465261912/something-i-kinda-just-was-thinking-about-idk).


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